Tempt My Heart Page 15

  “BULLSHIT!” Roxie growls at me as she furrows her brows; her eyes burn into mine making me fidget where I sit.

  “What?!” I shout a little louder than I want, causing everyone to turn their attention towards us for a second before returning their focus back to the game of pool going on between Beyond Redemption and Tempting Tomorrow.

  It looks intense but not as intense as the conversation going on between us at the moment.

  Setting her drink down, Roxie rests her hands on her hips and glares at me, “You know what. I’m calling this whole reasoning pure and utter bullshit!” Snapping her head towards Jordon she says, “I think he could be perfect for you, and you are refusing to even give him a chance.”

  “It’s not bullshit and you know it. I’m doing Jordon a favor by keeping this thing between us uncomplicated. One day he’ll find a girl who he can fall in love with and who will be able to love him back. But that girl is not me. End of discussion.”

  Roxie rolls her eyes and lets out an aggravated moan. Sitting down beside me, she gulps down the rest of her beer before turning her eyes onto me.

  She looks pissed. Actually, past pissed. My best friend looks like she’s about to reenact the scene from the Exorcist and have her head start spinning around on her God damn shoulders.

  “You seriously can drive me insane. Why the hell are you so fucking stubborn?! This is not what Cane would want for you. The idea that you can only love one man is ridiculous. Jordon likes you; anyone can see that. You’re pushing away the only guy I’ve ever seen give you that spark in your eye when you’re around him, besides Cane. It’s sad…truly sad, Brittan.”

  Before I can say anything and respond to what my best friend has just said to me, she stands up and walks over to where everyone is partying.

  Here I sit with my jaw on the ground, trying to wrap my head around the total bitch slap of words Roxie just hit me with.

  Needing to get some space from everyone to try and clear my head, I go inside to get another beer before heading down to the beach to think.

  I can barely think straight with all the voices bouncing around inside my head right now. I feel like my head is too full of everyone else’s thoughts, and I can’t hear my own opinion on the matter.

  Stepping into my living room my feet feel like they’re stuck in quicksand. My eyes are glued on the image before me: Two women who came here with the guys from backstage are kneeling on my living room floor doing rails of coke.

  Seriously! They brought drugs into my fucking house.

  The urge to kick both their asses out of my house and then do the coke they have cut for themselves is overwhelming.

  The temptation before me is at the worst fucking time. I have so much pain and confusion buzzing around inside of me right now. The thought of numbing myself with coke is almost too hard to resist.

  Memories of myself in that exact spot flicker before my eyes. I’ve lost count of how many nights I spent in this house getting higher than a fucking kite, before I landed my ass in rehab. This house is like a tomb full of my dead skeletons just lying around every corner taunting me.

  I feel like every step forward I take with recovery I end up taking five steps back.

  I lick my lips and rub at my nose as the urge to fall to my knees and snort every last drop consumes me.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to think about all the reasons why I can’t get high. The first thing that comes to mind is Jordon.

  I promised him I’d stay clean after he promised to not let anyone throw my ass back in rehab.

  Then Cane.

  I promised to be the woman he loved and not the shell of one I’ve become over the last eight years.

  It’s really hard not to give in to my cravings when they’re bringing chicks back to my house that are carrying the shit around with them. Then they decide to get high in my fucking living room.

  Taking a deep breath, I blow it out slowly as I storm into my kitchen and grab another beer. I run back past them and out onto the deck as if my house is on fire. I need to get away from this house, the memories, the drugs and the temptation taunting me at this very moment.

  If I don’t get away from it, I’m going to turn back around and walk into that room and get high.

  Running down the stairs as fast as I can, I sprint towards the water and don’t stop until I feel the waves washing up onto my bare feet.

  I plop my ass in the sand and leave my feet just far enough out so the warm salty water hits my toes. With each wave that rolls in and then washes out, my toes are buried deeper in the sand.

  Moonlight is the only light shining down on the beach and illuminating across the water. Almost the entire beach is pitched black giving me the privacy I need.

  No one can see me here so I can be alone with my thoughts. I’m trying to get a grip on this panic attack that is consuming me at the moment, before I have a total freak out.

  Lost in thought, I’m startled when the sound of someone walking up behind me causes me to jump. Spinning around, I spot Jordon walking towards me with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets.

  He has a somber look on his face that makes my stomach jump into my throat.

  I won’t be surprised if he sits down beside me and says he’s done with whatever it is we are doing and moving back onto his bandmates tour bus.

  I’ve been a bitch, using him for sex without caring about his feelings at all. I’m being greedy by wanting to have that physical connection with Jordon; all the while refusing to allow myself to connect with him on an emotional level.

  “You scared me.” I finally say just above a whisper. I gaze up at his tall towering 6’1” figure and get lost for a moment in his eyes. Those blue eyes that are glowing in the moonlight shining over his face, “I didn’t think anyone knew I was down here.” I confess before dropping my gaze back to my lap.

  I nervously peel at my beer label as Jordon sits down beside me in the sand without saying a word.

  After what feels like an eternity of awkward silence, Jordon finally speaks. He has his hands resting behind him propping his body up mimicking the way I’m sitting.

  He never looks at me, just keeps his eyes focused ahead which drives me insane because I love staring into his eyes as he talks to me. I love to feel his words in my soul rather than to just hear them, to allow our bodies to connect through our eyes locking onto one another.

  “I saw you run out of the house like the fucking place was on fire or some shit and book it down to the beach. Curiosity got the better of me, and I wondered inside to find the two chicks Nash and Kingston brought back from the concert. I saw them doing blow in your living room and put two and two together. I called them cabs to take their asses anywhere but here. Then I stood up on your deck watching you down here trying to get the courage to walk down and tell you everything I’ve wanted to since that first night together in Miami.”

  As Jordon’s words sink in I feel my heart flutter as it fights to come back to life. It’s been fighting to awaken since the night we met and no matter how hard I am fighting it, my heart is defeating me and starting to fall for Jordon.

  Knowing he sent those girls away to help me fight the urge to get high makes me crumble. No matter what I do or say he never gives up on me. It’s confusing the hell out of me, and I don’t know what to do.

  Staring out at the waves as they roll in, I drink half of my beer before holding it out to Jordon, silently asking if he wants some. With how I am feeling I know I need a good buzz to deal with the shit in my head. I imagine he feels the same.

  We’ve been drinking since backstage at the concert; add what I’ve had here, and my body is starting to relax. I can feel myself letting go; releasing the protective shield on my heart.

  I decide to speak my mind and later, if it bites me in the ass, I’ll blame it on the alcohol.

  Jordon drinks down the remainder of my beer before setting it down in the sand and shifting his body towards mine as I turn slightly to face him. I cu
rl my legs up behind me and lock my eyes where they’ve been begging to be since he sat down beside me.

  Right onto his.

  “I have so much I want to say to you…I just don’t know how to get the words out.” I finally say with my words slightly shaky.

  Jordon lets out a nervous laugh. “Well let me help you by going first. I like you Brittan. Really like you. Yeah, you’re fucking amazing in the sack, but besides being a fine piece of ass.” He cracks a panty melting smile at me as he mentions our off the Richter scale sex. I feel myself flush in the moonlight that’s glowing over the two of us. “I actually enjoy and want to be around you as much as I can. You are fun, outspoken, always keeping me on my toes, and you’ve invaded my every thought.” This time he lets out the deep raspy laugh I love so much, and slides his hand behind my neck pulling me closer to him. “You’re like a song that no matter how hard I try I can’t get out of my head. Since we’re being honest Brittan, I never want to get you out of my head.”

  Holy-fricking-cow!

  I don’t know how to respond to that. It’s as if every word he speaks hits my walls like a sledge hammer. Destroying the protective barrier I’ve worked so hard to build and making me question everything.

  “Umm…” I lick my lips that are now very dry. It feels like the Sahara desert in my damn throat right now. “I don’t even know how to respond to that. You make my brain go haywire, Jordon. It scares the living shit out of me. Anyone else I can throw any shit their way and after a while they throw their hands in the air and walk away. But you, you just throw it right back at me and push me to fight instead of allowing me to lock myself away from everyone and everything. You seriously scare the shit out of me. You make my heart flutter…like seriously flutter like a damn butterfly in my chest. When I swear it feels like it hasn’t beaten a day since Cane died. That alone terrifies me. I don’t know what it means.”

  I shake my head as I try to make sense of everything I’m saying. I am hoping Jordon understands what it is I’m trying to say. I just have so many words in my head that I’m trying to get out. If I don’t, I am afraid I never will.

  “Brittan, I know you love Cane and always will. I don’t want to ever make you feel like that is a deal breaker for us. I’m okay with sharing, because like I told Roxie earlier, baby I’ll take you any way I can have you. If that means I only get a piece of your heart, then I’ll cherish that one piece as if it is the most priceless item on the god damn planet.”

  I can’t believe this man. This man who looks like the rough bad boy on the outside, but beneath the tattoos, bad attitude, and rock star whoring ways is the man who’s awakening my heart. He’s asking me to give him a chance.

  He wants me, even when I’m broken and damaged; he still fights to be with me.

  Other men would rather toss me aside and find the next pretty shiny girl to have fun with. Even after he discovered the girl hiding behind the broken pieces, Jordon hasn’t stopped trying. He sees the real person I am beneath it all.

  He sees the real me I didn’t even know existed anymore.

  She’s been hiding away trying to mask the pain and sadness and afraid to let anyone inside, until Jordon came along ignoring my pleas to leave us at just friends. He broke down everything I’d built around myself, forcing me to step out into the sunlight and for once say it’s okay to feel alive.

  It’s okay to feel life after loss.

  Not wanting to speak anymore, I give in to the feelings consuming me and allow myself to let go of everything holding me back, and just live in the moment.

  I reach out and hold Jordon’s face between my hands pulling him to me. The instant our lips touch, I feel that tiny flutter in my chest shatter the ice that had coated my heart for all these years. For the first time since Cane was alive my heart beats forcefully against my chest.

  As I deepen our kiss, Jordon grips the back of my neck pinning my mouth to his. I feel like he’s holding me there, fearful that if he lets go I’ll vanish, making none of this real.

  Frantically, I grab Jordon’s free hand and press it against my chest, letting him feel the rhythmic beat of my heart against his hand. I’m letting him feel what I’m feeling: his kiss awakening every part of me.

  For the first time, I’m not fighting him or the feelings he’s bringing out of me. As tears mist my eyes, I whisper against his lips, “Do you feel that?”

  He just nods and presses his lips to mine, eagerly sliding his tongue into my mouth. He causes moans to erupt inside of my throat and vibrate into his mouth as our tongues intertwine.

  Wanting to grab this moment with both hands before it has a chance to slip away, Jordon swiftly jumps to his feet, lifting me up and hugging me against his chest. I wrap my legs tightly around his back, lock my ankles together and hook my arms around his neck.

  Within seconds, he’s climbing the stairs of my deck and making his way into my house. All I can do is laugh and wave to the guys and Roxie as they watch us disappear up the stairs towards my bedroom.

  Entering the bathroom and dropping my feet onto the tile floor, Jordon begins stripping his clothing off. With a sly smile on his lips, slips me out of my skirt and top.

  “We’re going to fuck in this shower. Then again in your bed, where you’re going to fall asleep curled in my arms. When we wake up in the morning, we’re going to do it all over again. Do we have an understanding?”

  A shiver slides down my spine and stops at my heart. It’s now thumping so fiercely against my ribs I think there’s a good chance it’s going to bust straight through and onto my bathroom floor.

  Nodding, I bite nervously on my lip as I allow all my reservations to float away. A calm settles over me as I stand naked in my bathroom under the intense stare of Jordon’s piercing blue eyes.

  Before I have a second to change my mind, Jordon grabs my hand and leads me into the shower.

  Tonight is a turning point for us. I have Roxie to thank for it. Without her words smacking me hard in the face I would still be living in denial.

  I don’t know what this will mean once we’re both sober in the morning, but for the first time I’m not allowing myself to worry about what tomorrow will bring.

  Will You Be My Valentine?

  Jordon

  It’s been three days since Brittan, and I talked on the beach, opening up to each other for the first time. I have never in my life been so damn nervous. I was pouring my heart out to her and preparing for Brittan to stomp on it and throw it out into the ocean for the sharks to eat. Instead, she shocked me by confessing she felt the same.

  Brittan is a very complicated chick. I know that she’s worth it. My bandmates think I’m crazy settling down. Well, all except Lawson. He’s happy that he won’t be the only one not whoring around backstage every night. Kingston and Zane, on the other hand, are pissed they’re losing a wingman.

  They just don’t get it. I don’t think they ever will until they meet that one girl who shakes their entire world, making them feel like they’re nothing without her in it.

  With Brittan, it started out as fun casual sex, but with each passing day we’ve spent together while on this tour, it’s slowly developed into something more. I don’t want to be the friend she fucks on the side and then goes to after parties and randomly hooks up with other guys.

  I want her all to myself.

  We’ve spent the last three days at her beach house in Malibu. It’s been fun, all of us just chilling at the beach, Bar-B-Qing, drinking, and just hanging out. We’ve grown into one big ass family of crazy rockers, and I love it. This tour has turned into something I could never have imagined.

  Brittan’s best friend Roxie stayed two nights; I noticed a change in Brittan between those two days. Her friendship with Roxie is not something you see every day. They truly are best friends in every way. After talking with Roxie a bit, I can see she likes me too. I can’t help but think she had something to do with Brittan finally letting me in. I will forever be grateful to her for whatever it
is she said or did.

  Today is Valentine’s Day and our last night off before we load onto the buses and hit the road again. I want to spend the entire day with Brittan making sure she has fun.

  It’s hard being with a woman who’s had her heart broken so severely. I want to be the one who helps her move on, but it’s difficult to do. Every time I think I’m getting Brittan to come out of the force field she’s built around herself, she seems to lock herself back inside it.

  Especially on a day like today.

  I imagine since she was with Cane for so many years; in her head, she has made Valentine’s Day a special day only for them.

  My goal for today is to make sure Brittan has fun and doesn’t spend it with her thoughts in the past.

  I want her to enjoy Valentine’s Day and to enjoy spending it with me. I do not want her to lock herself away in thoughts of a life she no longer has.

  Brittan is downstairs making us breakfast, having snuck down and cooking while I was still asleep. Kingston and Zane are still passed out. Their plan is to spend the day down on the beach hitting on lonely hot chicks.

  I just finished taking a quick shower and slipped on a t-shirt and some basketball shorts. While lacing up my sneakers, I can’t help but smile to myself as I think back to how I spent Valentine’s Day last year compared to how I plan on spending it today.

  Last year on Valentine’s Day, I was busting my ass working at a guitar store in Chicago, waiting for our big break. I stopped by a florist to grab Kinsley flowers and then took her out to eat at her favorite restaurant. The whole day I was just going through the motions. I liked her, but I sure as hell didn’t love her. I had fun with her; she was great in bed, but there was never a moment where I thought if we broke up tomorrow I’d be devastated.

  I think it’s because we both felt the same way. We were friends who were trying to force our friendship to be a relationship. Then to find out that she was sleeping with someone else the entire time hurt like hell, but I guess she did me a favor. We parted ways, and I left on the Rockers and Rebels summer tour with a few other indie bands.