Tempt My Heart Page 5

  Running up the stairs, I can hear Roxie bitching behind me, “Brittan seriously…ughh…wait up!” as I hear her heels click clacking up the stairs. She dresses to the nines every day for class because she does the college news for one of her journalism classes.

  Laughing, I gaze down at her as I get to the top of the stairs of my condo. “That’s what you get for wearing heels to class, biotch!” She rolls her eyes at my sarcasm.

  As soon as my feet hit the top of the stairs, they freeze as a cold chill settles over me, causing my entire body to go numb. My heart is beginning to race, feeling as if any second it’s going to burst out of my chest.

  “What the hell!” Roxie yells as she crashes into the back of me and catches herself on the railing.

  I can’t respond because my mouth won’t work. I’m frozen like a statue, and my throat has shriveled up making it physically impossible to form a single syllable.

  Gripping my arms, Roxie physically moves me out of the way, stopping beside me. Her eyes search my face, “What’s wrong? You look like you just saw a fricking ghost or something.” Waving her hands in front of my face, she yells, “Brittan?”

  I just start shaking my head no, as tears well up in my eyes. I try to swallow, but it feels like a golf ball is lodge in my throat. My eyes are locked on the two men standing by my door in military uniforms.

  My worst nightmare is coming true.

  Panicking, I release my grip on the iced coffee in my hand, and it crashes to the ground as my bag slips from my shoulder. Nothing moves me. Not the coffee on my feet, or the thud of my bag as it hits the wooden deck.

  The next few minutes are a blur and go by as if I’m in a nightmare waiting to wake up. Roxie spots the two men that have me frozen in a world of panic, and takes my hand leading me down to my door. Each step feels like my feet have hundred pound weights on them.

  I hear voices in my head screaming to turn around and run, never stop. If I don’t hear the words; they won’t make the reality real. I can live in a cocoon of false hope where my mind see’s Cane still in Iraq for his deployment.

  Tears I’m trying to hold back begin falling one by one of their own accord as the two men whose faces will now forever be burned into my mind, look down at me sympathetically.

  I don’t want their sympathy! I want my fiancé!

  “Brittan McKenna?” The older one asks as his eyes lock onto mine.

  Nodding my head yes, I drop my eyes to the ground. I can’t look at him; I wish the floor beneath me would open up and take me away from here.

  The older man clears his throat causing my eyes to snap back up to his, “Ma’am, we need to speak to you in private, so if we can please continue this inside.” His words come out almost robotic, as if he’s said them a million times before.

  I know once we’re in private he’ll confirm what I know. I don’t think I can hear those words. I don’t want to hear anything they have to say.

  I shake my head no. “You can say whatever it is out here or you can go.” My words come out hoarse, but firm. Roxie immediately cuts me off and grips my arm with her left hand which is shaking as badly as mine is.

  “Ma’am, we have to discuss this in private.” The younger soldier says, with a softer tone.

  “I’m so sorry, Sir…” Roxie says with a shaky voice, “Please, come inside.” Turning her attention to me, she whispers into my ear, “Brittan, I know you’re scared but it could be other news. Maybe Cane is just injured. You can’t lose hope.”

  I know she’s trying to be supportive, but I can feel it deep in my soul that Cane is gone. Tears continue to fall as I gaze out at the ocean and to all the happy people running around on the beach without a care in the world; while I stand up here with my heart breaking and my entire world shattering around me.

  Roxie quickly moves in front of me, unlocks the door with her key, lets the two men into my condo and pulls me in behind her.

  Roxie and I make our way over to my sofa and sit down while the two men stay standing in the center of my living room.

  Holding his hat in his hands against his abdomen, the younger man focuses his eyes on me while Roxie holds my hand, squeezing it to the point where I don’t think the blood is flowing to my fingers.

  “We’re sorry to inform you that Specialist Cane Allen died early this morning in Germany. His Humvee ran over an IUD in the early morning hours. He was flown to a military hospital in Germany for emergency surgery but…” He says pausing, then continues, “He succumbed to his injuries…”

  Screams erupt from deep within me as the words I’ve been trying not to hear hit me like a freight train.

  Cane. Is. Dead.

  “No…no...” I look to Roxie for support, for her to demand they check again. It can’t be Cane. This isn’t how our story was supposed to end!

  Roxie’s eyes are full of tears as she wraps her arms around me, while we sob against each other. “I’m so sorry, Brittan…so sorry.” She cries with her face buried into my hair.

  Anger consumes me as I lunge at the soldier who looks no older than Cane. Beating my fists against his chest, I stare up at his eyes that were once cold and emotionless but are now turning sad as they witness my breakdown.

  “Why?! Why Cane? It can’t be true…it can’t!” I cry out, as he wraps his arms around me.

  “We’re truly sorry for your loss, ma’am. Specialist Allen was an amazing and dedicated soldier.”

  I don’t even want to think about how many others he’s had to break this news to.

  My head is spinning as my mind tries to process this.

  Images of Cane walking up beside me all those years ago on that Fourth of July night play like a movie over and over in my mind: I remember his carefree smile and contagious laughter as he sat down beside me to watch the fireworks finale.

  He took my breath away with just one look and stole my heart all at the same time. Now he’s taken it with him forever.

  I’ll never see that smile again…never hear his laughter.

  My knees go weak, giving out beneath me as I fall onto the floor. Kneeling on the hardwood, I lay my forehead against it as I scream out for Cane.

  This isn’t real.

  This is a nightmare, and all I want to do is wake up.

  Please, just let me wake up!

  “Cane…Cane…not my Cane!” My body is shaking as my sobs tear through me. My throat burns and my lungs ache.

  I welcome the pain.

  I hear Roxie speaking to the two men in front of me, but whatever they’re saying, I don’t process; I can’t process. My ears are ringing and are filled with the sounds of Cane echoing through them, repeatedly saying, “I love you, Brittan Nicole McKenna, one day you’re going to be my wife.”

  My head is haunted by these words that I’ve wished for so long to come true…and now will never happen.

  January 20th 2006

  Lying in my bed feels emptier than it ever has. I have barely slept more than two hours a night since I got the news that Cane was dead. I am constantly tormented with nightmares, some of Cane dying and I’m trying so badly to get to him and save him. They always end with me waking up screaming out for him.

  Some nights I have good dreams, the kind you never want to wake up from. On those nights, I dream about him so vividly that they feel real, causing me to wake in a daze frantically searching for him. After searching every inch of my house in the dark and yelling out to him, reality hits me like a semi-truck reminding me that he isn’t here and never will be again.

  Those are the nights I wish I could stay asleep forever just so I can be with him.

  Rolling onto my side, I curl up into a ball, grip my comforter and pull it up over my head as I try to drown out the voices in my head.

  Since the day Cane died, I’ve been haunted with the voices of our past conversations. It doesn’t help that I’ve been lying in bed for days, just listening to his voice mails on my phone over and over, and watching videos we recorded on my cell of us on the b
each, or out on the boat.

  Closing my eyes, I beg for the pain to go away. I just want to wake up and find Cane lounging in my living room, drinking a beer and watching basketball.

  The sadness is unbearable….all consuming.

  Grabbing my iPod, I crank the volume up as loud as it can go and get lost in the sound of Breaking Benjamin singing, Breath as I try to block out the world and quiet the words I can’t get out of my head… “I can’t wait to make you my wife.”

  I broke down a few days ago when Roxie called my wedding planner to inform her that the wedding was canceled, and we no longer needed everything we’d reserved. Informing everyone that the wedding was not taking place only finalized Cane’s death, and I would never be married.

  Cane is really gone forever.

  His funeral is today, and I just can’t find the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. I feel that once I bury the love of my life, the last bit of strength I have left will die at the grave-site and be buried alongside Cane forever.

  Someone rips my blanket off of my head scaring the shit out of me. I snap my eyes open to find Roxie standing beside my bed with a paper bag from my favorite bakery and two coffees.

  Plucking my earbuds out, I sit up against my headboard, “God, Roxie, thanks for giving me a fucking heart attack!”

  Rolling her eyes, she plops down on the bed beside me, shoving a coffee in my hand. “I kicked on the damn door so hard I thought I was going to bust it in, and your ass wouldn’t get out of bed to open the damn thing for me!” Pausing she takes a sip of her coffee and watches me like a hawk as I nibble on my sugary pastry before continuing, “So, you deserve the heart attack I just gave you. Now drink your coffee and eat this apple turnover I got you, because you need your strength today.”

  I rest my head on her shoulder and in between bites mumble, “Thank you.” Two words that speak a thousand unspoken words to my best friend. As I chew my turnover and sip my coffee, I silently sob while we sit on my bed in complete silence.

  Today is going to be the hardest day of my life, and there is no one I’d rather have by my side to help me get through it.

  The air is cool and damp; it’s rained off and on all morning making the cemetery smell like wet, cut grass and fresh crisp air. I have Roxie, Matt and Dalton on one side of me, my parents on the other side and Cane’s mom and dad are seated beside Dalton. We’re all sitting in the first row of chairs in front of Cane under a big white tent.

  The cemetery is packed with friends, family, school mates, military friends, even teachers and coaches. Cane touched so many lives in the short time he was on this earth.

  The second my eyes landed on Cane’s casket with the American flag draped over it; my knees gave out, and Matt and Dalton had to practically carry me to my seat.

  I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but I don’t think I can hold it in much longer. Last night was Cane’s wake, his mother and father as well as a few friends, and I said a few words to everyone who attended. I only made it halfway through my speech before breaking down and needing Roxie to join me on the podium to continue it for me.

  My eyes ache, and my face is blotchy from all the broken blood vessels. I’ve never cried for so long and so hard in my entire life. I feel as if I shouldn’t have any more tears left to cry, but they continue to fall as if they’ll never stop.

  I hear the Chaplain speaking, but the words sound hollow as if they’re off into the distance. All I can focus on is the casket before me, where the love of my life is.

  Cane died a hero and doing what he loved…defending our country. But it doesn’t make my loss any easier to understand.

  The soldiers begin firing off the riffles for the salute to Cane. Each time the bullets leave the gun barrels, the blasts cause me to jump and low sobs to escape me.

  As soon as the bugler begins playing Taps, I lose what little strength I have left, let myself go and allow the dam to break. I drop my head into my hands and begin sobbing uncontrollably.

  I can hear the faint sound of Janice crying a few seats down from me. I can barely look at her or Terry. It’s so hard because when I see their faces they reflect back to me what I’m feeling.

  Roxie wraps her arm around me while my mother gently runs her fingers through my hair, “I’m so sorry, honey.” My mother murmurs against my shoulder as she tries to comfort me.

  My parents feel helpless. They loved Cane as if he were their own son. When I told them he had passed away my mother broke down, and my father needed his space to grieve. He locked himself in his office for the remainder of the evening.

  Spinning my engagement ring, I watch as the Casket-team begins folding up the flag before handing it off to the Chaplain. I watch with blurry eyes as he makes his way over to present the flag to me. I was shocked when I learned that Cane put me down as his next of kin instead of his parents.

  Hugging the flag against my chest, I drop my gaze back down to the ground. The wind is picking up, causing a chill to settle over my body and goose bumps to cover every inch of me.

  One by one, we each step out from under the tent and approach Cane’s casket taking turns to lay a single red rose on top of it. Each step feels like an eternity as I make my way over to him. I’m squeezing the stem so hard I’m surprised that it hasn’t snapped in half.

  Stopping beside his casket, I rest my palm against the cool polished dark wood, and lean down to rest my forehead against it where Cane lies inside. I press my lips to the cold hard wood, “I love you, always. I refuse to say goodbye…..” A sob tears through me, causing my entire body to shake and my lungs to burn as they scream for me to fill them with air. I let out a slow, shaky breath and whisper, “So I’ll just say I’ll see you soon…”

  Standing up, I set the rose onto the center of his casket just as the skies open up, and fresh cool rain falls on me.

  Lifting my head, I close my eyes and welcome the rain drops as they fall on my face, mixing with my tears. The feeling of strong arms wrapping around me sends a wave of comfort through me. When I open my eyes, I see my father embracing me with his own tears in his eyes.

  The rain is falling down hard, causing water droplets to drip off of his hair; he’s getting soaked to the bone standing here beside me, but he doesn’t seem to care. He’s my rock right now, and if there were ever a moment in my life where I needed my daddy, now would be it.

  He doesn’t say a word; his eyes speak for him. I hold my arms against my chest as shivers from the cold rain overtake me. Holding me tightly against his body, trying to shield me from the cold, my father helps walk me back to the car that Matt drove us all in.

  I’m glad I was the last one to place my rose on the casket, allowing me to have my last moment with Cane in private. Everyone else left after saying their goodbyes and headed to Cane’s parents’ house for the wake.

  My legs threaten to give out with each step I take.

  My body is weak and defeated.

  “When that rain started falling, I swear, Brittan, that was Cane crying right there alongside you.” Roxie whispers in my ear as she takes my hand into hers. I can hear her choking on her words as she tries to fight back the tears.

  We’ve all cried too much.

  I don’t understand. Why Cane? Why now? We had a beautiful future ahead of us, and God took him away from me before our happily ever after could even begin.

  It’s not fair. God can be merciless. We pray when we need to feel love, wisdom and hope, but then God can also rip your world out from under you when you least expect it. Leaving you feeling lost, defeated and unloved.

  My mother keeps telling me we all have a time to go. We may not understand it, but God always has a plan. We just need to wait, and the reasons why will come to us at some point. We just need to be patient.

  I don’t want to hear that.

  I want to be angry. Past fucking angry…Livid! I don’t want to hear about bigger plans, and when it’s your time, it’s your time.

  Fuck God’s bi
gger plan.

  What about my plans.

  My future.

  My happiness.

  Without Cane, I have none of those things.

  January 22nd 2006

  Walking through the door to my condo with Cane’s belongings in my hand, I head straight to the couch and plop down onto it. I just came from his parents’ house where we had the reading of his will.

  I didn’t know he had made one, but I guess his father advised him to do so when he decided to enlist in the military. He must have helped him write one and get his life insurance policy set up. Cane’s father, Terry, is a divorce attorney here in Miami, but also helps the rich and wealthy keep their assets in order.

  I swear my jaw hit the floor as I heard the words come out of Terry’s mouth that Cane had a very substantial life insurance policy that would be split between me and his parents. He wanted to make sure that if anything happened to him I was taken care of. All funeral expenses were covered by the military and handled by his parents, whom I am grateful for, because I don’t think I could’ve gotten through picking out a casket to bury my fiancé in.

  The Army gave Cane’s parents all the belongings he had with him in Iraq, and while I was there today, his mother gave them to me. She said she knew Cane would want me to have them.

  So here I sit on my couch, staring at a big green bag full of everything he had with him overseas. With shaky fingers, I open his bag and one by one begin removing all the items packed away inside.

  I can’t help but hug his t-shirt tightly against my chest and breathe in his scent, it’s mixed with the smell of the outdoors but I don’t care.

  A small smile spreads across my lips, tears sliding over them as I pull out a box and open it to find pictures of us at my graduation, on the beach the night we got engaged and lying in bed here in our apartment. Right beside them is a bunch of Grizzly wintergreen dip canisters. In his last care package, I sent him a roll of them because he couldn’t go a day without one. He had said, especially over there; it was the only thing he could do to pass the time.