Mine Would Be You Read online

  What is up with her and Grayson winking at me?

  Whatever the reason, I’m glad Emelyn seems to be staying, but now I need to find a way to get her alone, even if its only for a few minutes, because that’s all I need.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Emelyn

  The last thing I expected when I stopped by Mr. and Mrs. McCoy’s was to be talked into staying for dinner. I’m not shocked they asked, because I’ve had family dinners with them for as long as I can remember. The crazy part is I sat and had dinner for the first time in four years at their house with Lawson here.

  It’s now almost eight o’clock at night; Delilah’s mom just finished cleaning up dinner before her and Mr. McCoy headed inside for the night. Now, it’s just Delilah, Grayson, Lawson, and me outside on the deck. We’re sitting under the stars, talking about the wedding rehearsal that’s this Friday. I cannot believe it’s already here. It’s crazy how fast this past year has flown, from the day Delilah told me she was engaged, to now getting ready for the big day.

  Thankfully my parents only live next door, because Delilah and I have polished off one bottle of wine with her mother’s help, and now halfway through a second bottle, so there is no way I’m driving home tonight. I’m definitely going to be hurting tomorrow at work in the morning with one hell of a hangover.

  It hasn’t been as bad as I thought, being around Lawson. I thought it’d be harder, but it’s actually been pretty easy to be around him. It feels like the last four years have completely vanished and now we’re the four people we were back when we were all in college before we lost Lily.

  Holding my wine glass, I hug it against my chest as I stare up at the stars. I wonder if she’s looking down on all of us right. If so, what is she thinking? Is she happy to see all of us together again, hanging out like old times? Or is she angry with me for being so forgiving, when he hurt me so badly?

  “Hey,” Delilah says, pushing me with her elbow. “You look like you’re lost in thought. What are you thinking about?”

  I bring my wine glass up to my lips, and bring my eyes back down and glance at Lawson and Grayson before turning to look at Delilah. I take a long sip, and then hug my glass back to my chest as I lick the sweet wine from my lips. I release a soft sigh as I try to find the courage to say the words that seem to be stuck in my throat. It’s so hard still to this day to talk about Lily.

  “I was just gazing up at the stars and thinking about how good it feels with us all hanging out like this. It’s kinda like old times, ya know?” I shrug my shoulders and purse my lips.

  Delilah nods slightly, agreeing with me.

  “And I was just thinking about how the only thing missing is Lily. It’s hard to believe we’re only five months away from the fifth anniversary of her death.”

  Everyone’s quiet as I speak. My words come out quietly as I doubt myself. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing to drudge this all up right now, especially since things between Lawson and I have been civil, which has made Delilah and Grayson very happy.

  “I was thinking the same exact thing, but I was afraid to say something. All week, all I can think about is how she should be here with us right now, complaining about her bridesmaid dress or how I should have a DJ, not a swing band, so she has good music to shake her ass too. I seriously miss the hell out of her every day.” Delilah’s laughter is contagious, and soon, all four of us are laughing.

  “She sure did love to shake that booty of hers. She had the tiniest body with J. Lo’s ass, I swear!” I blurt out before laughing again.

  “To Lily,” Grayson says, holding his sweet tea in the air.

  We all hold our drinks up and say in unison, “To Lily.”

  I notice Lawson is being quiet and his eyes look dark and distant. We’re all hurting, but I can’t even imagine how he feels. I hate I brought it up around him, but at the same time, I’m glad I did, because who else would understand how I’m feeling better than these guys?

  Grayson’s beeper starts going off and he immediately jumps to his feet. “Shit, babe, I gotta get to the fire house. I’m sorry.” He looks from his pager to Delilah and me. We’re swinging on the porch swing, still giggling.

  Putting her foot down, she stops the swing in mid-movement. “It’s okay. I should probably get home anyways. I have so much left to do. I still have to put together my bridal party gift bags. Just let me run my wine glass inside.”

  I gulp down the remainder of my drink and hold it up to her. “Can you take mine inside too?”

  “Sure, girly.” Taking my glass, she disappears inside the house and returns seconds later. Grayson and Lawson are saying goodbye as Delilah pulls me in for a hug.

  “I’ll text you in the morning and see if you’re awake and up for coffee before I have to be at work,” I tell her as I hug her tightly and wiggle her side to side. We’re both tipsy and almost lose our balance. We just catch ourselves before we fall down, giggling like fools.

  “Sounds like a plan, chick. I’m definitely going to need a few aspirins in the morning. That I already know.” She presses her mouth to my ear and her voice drops to a whisper, “Thank you for staying. It means a lot to us. I love having my two favorite people around again.”

  I take in a shaky breath as I hear what she’s saying. We talked the other day after I saw Lawson at the park, and I told her seeing him stirred something inside of me. I let her know it scares me, because I don’t want to move backwards, and falling for him will do exactly that. That’s why I didn’t want to stay here tonight, because it’s hard to be around him. It’s weird; we’ve always been a couple, never around one another as ‘just friends’, so I’m not sure how to go about being in the same place as him and act as if I’m okay and everything is normal. This sure as hell doesn’t feel normal.

  All I want to do is pull him into my arms and tell him how badly I’ve missed him and how hard it’s been to get through these last four years without him. But I can’t. That is the reason why I’ve avoided him since our talk last Thursday. It’s so confusing. Now I have to be around him Friday and Saturday. I am going to lose my mind. Sunday cannot come soon enough.

  Moments later, they’re gone, and it’s just Lawson and me. All I can say about this is, Awkward.

  I tuck my hair behind my ear and smile up at him nervously, “Well, I suppose I should get going too. I have to be at work by quarter to nine tomorrow. With the hangover I’ll be sporting, it’s going to be a difficult task.” I stumble slightly as I walk towards him.

  How do I say goodbye? Just wave and say, ‘Adios, see ya Friday’? Do I give him a hug goodbye? This is all new territory for me. Normally, I’m hating his guts, so getting away from him is easy, but now I’m feeling all kinds of strange things, which are mixing with the wine I’ve drank, and it has my head swimming with a million thoughts.

  I watch as he runs both hands through his hair and rest his forearms on the back of his head. His mouth curls up to the right, giving me a cute, sly, sideways smirk.

  Why does he have to be so damn cute?

  “You’re a hot mess right now, Em,” he teases as his eyes roam over me.

  I am a hot mess. I am a smoldering, frustrated mess, because just his damn eyes are setting my body on fire. I swear I can feel his eyes on me as if they’re caressing my body as they slide up and down my stumbling, blushing, hot mess self as he takes me in.

  Giggling, I swat at him. “Oh, shush. I’m fine.” I speak too soon, because two more steps and I’m tripping over my own damn feet, falling against him. I bring my hands out to try and catch myself, and the instant they touch his body, a warmth seeps through me and instantly intensifies the second it reaches between my thighs.

  It’s been way too long since I’ve had a good and proper fuck. Yes, I’m supposed to be a sweet southern belle, but it’s totally possible to be sweet and slightly naughty all at the same time.

  I love sex…especially Lawson sex. No one has come even close to doing to my body what this man has done to me p
robably a million times before we broke up.

  “Woah.” Wrapping his arms around me, he holds me against him, stopping me from falling flat on my face and completely embarrassing myself.

  “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry.” I can only imagine how red my cheeks are right now. My hands are flush against his chest and I find myself loving the feeling of his body beneath them. I inhale deeply and breathe him in.

  God, he smells amazing.

  Laughing, he holds me tighter, making it clear he isn’t letting me go yet. He brings his mouth down to my ear and the feeling of his breath against my skin makes my body become blanketed in goose bumps. “No need to be sorry. I’ll gladly catch you anytime you fall.”

  Ahh, hell.

  My heart jumps in my damn chest as I imagine a little mini sledgehammer smashing away a tiny piece of the wall that’s been guarding my heart for the last four years.

  “Oh stop.” I laugh, trying to brush it off. I don’t want him to know what he said means anything to me at all, and has in any way whatsoever affected me, even the slightest.

  Pulling away from me slightly, his hands slide to my waist, where they come to rest as he stares down into my eyes. His gaze is so intense, making me squirm nervously in front of him.

  “Come on, lightweight. Let me walk you to your parents’. I don’t need you passing out on the lawn. I’d never hear the end of it from Delilah.”

  I feel like I’m floating as I nod my head and murmur, “Okay.”

  It takes us almost five minutes to get me from his parents’ deck to my parents’ front porch. I had to stop a few times because my head was spinning, which was partly from all the wine I’ve drank tonight and also from the feeling of having him so close to me. Then I had to grab my keys out of my car before attempting to make it safely to my parents’ house without taking us both down with my stumbling feet.

  Stopping in front of the door, I dangle my keys from the tips of my fingers as I lean against the pole at the top of the stairs and look down at Lawson, who is standing one step below me.

  My hands moving of their own accord, diving into his hair. He closes his eyes momentarily as my fingers slide through his thick strands. I swear I hear a low growl rumble in Lawson’s chest, but it’s so low that I question if I imagined it or if it was real.

  His hair feels amazing between my fingers. I scrape my fingernails gently along his scalp as I run my hand down the back of his head. Opening his eyes, he stares into mine and I notice his pupils dilate in the porch light as I twist a strand around my index finger. He’s feeling the same intense pull I’m feeling. I can see it deep in his eyes, which are burning with desire as they stay locked onto mine.

  It’s a warm night, and there’s a gentle breeze blowing, causing my hair to wisp in front of my face. I laugh as I try to blow the locks out of my face, and shudder as I feel his fingers brush against my cheek as he tucks the tangled mess back behind my ear.

  “God, you’re beautiful.” His eyes search mine and I feel my body being drawn to his as if I have no control over it. He’s like a beautiful flickering flame dancing before me, tempting me to come to it. I know it’s dangerous and that I should stay as far away as I can, but the pull I feel outweighs the danger.

  I lick my lips slowly and he mirrors my action, darting his tongue out between his lips and slowly sliding it over his bottom one, making my girly parts tingle as images from our past flash in my mind of him and me together. I swear I can feel his tongue sliding over my body, and I fist his hair as I clench my thighs together, trying to dull the ache that’s intensifying with every passing second.

  This needs to end before it goes too far. My self-control is slipping away quickly. If I don’t make him go now, I’ll do something I’ll regret it in the morning.

  “Goodnight…thanks for walking me home.” I slide my hand from his head and rest it at the back of his neck as our eyes stay locked on one another, neither of us seeming to want to look away.

  “Fuck it,” Lawson curses under his breath as he yanks me against his chest and crashes his mouth to mine. He presses his lips firmly against mine and holds them there as our hard, fast breaths roar between us.

  My eyes grow wide and shock rocks my body to the core. This is really happening. He’s kissing me right now!

  At first, my lips don’t move as I stand pressed against him, frozen from the shock of his mouth being on mine for the first time in almost four years. He pulls his lips away and searches my face. The fear on his sucks every drop of air from my lungs. It makes him seem years younger, and vulnerable. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to break the intense connection I’m feeling between us, but it doesn’t work. I open my eyes as I feel his grip on me loosening.

  I squeeze his neck and keep him from moving. “I’m sorry,” I whisper as I bring my eyes back up to his. I shiver as his hand slides up my back slowly then makes its way back down, landing on my ass.

  My sex instantly clenches as I think about what it’d feel like to be with him again after so long. A soft moan leaves my lips as he grips my ass and pulls me back against his body.

  “I’m trying so hard to stay away from you, Emelyn. It’s just physically impossible.”

  Isn’t that the truth?

  I’ve tried to avoid him, and have been successful for many years, but now I’m not sure what I want anymore. What I do know is I want to feel alive. I haven’t felt as alive as I did five second ago, when his lips touched mine, since the night of the accident. He’s leaving Sunday, and then we can go back to our regular lives. One more time together might give us the closure we need, closure we never got.

  Throwing caution to the wind, I pull his mouth back to mine, and this time, I kiss him back and melt into his arms. I wrap my arms around his neck and giggle lightly as my keys jingle, making us jump slightly. His hands stay planted firmly on my butt as he slams me back against the pole, pinning his body against mine.

  I can feel his erection growing in his jeans, and as it presses against me, my body only intensifies the tingling sensation as it courses throughout my body, and desire pools between my thighs. I’m so wet right now it’s almost embarrassing. Just his kiss has me practically climaxing.

  His tongue forces its way in and tastes delicious as it licks at the inside of my mouth, twisting seductively and aggressively with my own. This man sure knows how to kiss. My body feels as if it’s floating on a cloud, and I feel weightless wrapped in his arms, savoring the taste of his mouth on mine.

  I don’t even recognize the person I am right now. It’s as if someone else has jumped into my body as I claw at his back, feeling the cotton of his tee beneath my nails.

  Our breathing is erratic and our moans are mixing with the sounds of the crickets chirping in the yard. It’s like an erotic nighttime melody playing around us.

  Suddenly, Lawson stops kissing me as his lips stay pressed against mine and his forehead rests against my own. I tighten my grip on his shoulders, afraid if I let go he’ll disappear and this will all just be an extremely messed up illusion.

  “You’re drunk, Emelyn. This isn’t right,” he murmurs against my lips but never loosens his hold on me.

  Shaking my head, I interject, “I may be drunk, but I know what the hell I’m doing. If I didn’t want to kiss you, then you can bet your ass you’d be gone already.”

  He stands up, straightening his spine, and drops his eyes to the stairs. “Emelyn. Please. You and I both know if this goes any further you’ll regret it in the morning.” He huffs out a sharp breath as his hand flies to his hair. His jaw is ticking as he battles with himself. His eyes, which were burning with lust only a few seconds ago, now appear dark and emotionless. “We have enough regrets between the both of us to last a lifetime. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I ever did anything to hurt you again. The only way I can keep that from happening is by walking away.”

  He starts to back away down the stairs and I feel my shoulders drop and my body sink against the pole. I don’t know w
hy, but I feel tears welling up in eyes. I’m shaking with anger as he continues to keep his eyes on the ground.

  What was I thinking?

  I wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself as I yell down at him, “So you’re just going to leave? Just like that?!” My hands fly up towards the star-covered sky before wrapping them around myself again. I roll my eyes and try to fight the tears threatening to fall. “Well, I don’t know why I’m shocked, because this is exactly what you do best. You just walk away, leaving me alone and acting as if I never mattered.” My voice cracks and I mentally curse at myself to keep it together. I can’t fall apart, at least not until he leaves. “You did it then, and now you’re doing it again. Actually, you know what? Thank you. Thank you for stopping me from making the stupidest decision of my life!” My voice cracks again as a small sob escapes me against my will as I yell down at him. As I do, a defiant tear falls and zig-zags down my cheek.